Parenting Tips - November 2014

Parenting Tips is a regular newsletter feature prepared by Kim Kuehner, PhD,

Hand In Hand social worker and Placement Supervisor

If you’re reading Parent Tips for the first time, the last few months of ‘Tips’ have been about how fostering connection with our children can lead to positive behavior changes with consistent steps in between. This Parent Tip will explore the third principle regarding efficient responses. A review of the IDEAL response process of the Correcting Principles (taken from Trust Based Relational Intervention; TCU Institute of Child Development) shows the five levels.

I-D-E-A-L RESPONSE

I: Immediate response initiated within THREE seconds - no matter where you are or what you are doing.

D: Direct eye contact and proximity – not scary, just close.

E: Efficient response – it fits the intensity of the misbehavior – not your own emotions.

A: Action-based – a way to practice positive, respectful behavior with rewards and NO shame.

L: Leveled at the misbehavior and not at your child – no one is the bad guy – not your child and not you.

LEVELS OF RESPONSE:

Using more force than necessary may escalate the situation.

Instead learn to identify the appropriate response level for each situation.

LEVEL 1: PLAYFUL ENGAGEMENT. This skill is important in general for your communication with your child. Use playful engagement for relatively minor behavior problems such as mild disrespect, sassy tone, talking back, rolling eyes, interrupting, etc. Playful engagement means using a warm and playful tone of voice. It’s a gentle way to remind a child of more positive behavior without a struggle and without harshness. For example: “Hey there. Would you try that again with respect this time?”

LEVEL 2: STRUCTURED ENGAGEMENT. When playful engagement isn’t enough, move on to structured engagement. When this level is needed, still approach your child with gentleness and get on his level. Make eye contact and use a lower and firmer tone than with playful engagement. Becoming angry will not help your child to learn. Make sure that you remain calm, consistent and in control (of yourself). Demonstrate that you want to help your child learn to do it right. Provide a little more structure to facilitate the behavior change you want. Assess if your child needs some help with self-regulation. If so, start there. Use choices, compromises and redirection always remembering to keep in connection with your child.

LEVEL 3: CALMING ENGAGEMENT. Sometimes our children need extra help with self-regulation. We can help them learn the skills to calm down and think things over. For this level, parents may need to use a lower tone of voice and a slower cadence. It’s important not to leave your child alone during this time. A “time-in” may be useful and you being in the same room shows that you are available to help with the thinking-it-over time. Help you child use skills for deep breathing, relaxing muscles, positive self-talk, running around the yard, etc. Someday he’ll be able to calm himself without help. After your child calms down and has thought about the situation, you can help by problem solving with him. Figure out together just how to manage that situation in a better way. Then go back to the “scene of the incident” and re-do it. Celebrate success with your child.

LEVEL 4: PROTECTIVE ENGAGEMENT. This level of response is needed when there is a threat to your child’s or anyone else’s well-being. Level 4 response voice is very firm and slow. It is intense but not loud. The object is to help your child calm down safely. We don’t always know what has caused a meltdown and so compassion is crucial. Parents may need to firmly get the child’s attention with words like: “use your words” or “stop and breathe”. Parents may need to physically hold the child to prevent harm. Holding with a calm manner using a soft but firm voice may help. It does not help for a parent to become upset. Use few words and stay with your child until he is calm and can be redirected.

Above all, maintain your connection with your child. Practice self-calming skills during times when things are going well. Be consistent with “fun” re-dos so that your child looks forward to those successful times.